One of my friends brought something to my attention.
He had read the previous entry here and asked me "What made you write that? Like what triggered that feeling?"
However good he knows me, and even though I have discussed my problem of not being able to trust like I used to with him many times before, he didn't know what made me write this in my journal.
Why did I feel like putting this in the journal???
Somehow I feel like I might not be meeting people's expectations as to the content this journal. People are likely to expect the latest information about what I'm up to in my career as a singer/songwriter, as a performer. However, I can't help but think of how people might find a way to use this information to try and hinder my career. (maybe I'm a bit scared of the power of the journal?)
Oh, I know they won't stop me. Eventually I will get to where I want to be. I'm confident about that. There's no way I can give up. If not because of my close friends who support me through good and bad, then it's because I made a promise to a lot of fans who support me by sending me e-mail, telling me I can't quit, telling me how they like what I do etc. And I intend to keep that promise.
All they might be capable of doing is make an effort to slow me down, make things unpleasant for me in some way... I don't know. But that's just it. I'd hate to see it happen all the people who are actually supportive of me have to wait longer for releases of mine. Plus, people are not going to remember "Castles in the Sky" forever. People will not keep the faith in me if it seems like I have given up.
Sooooo..., I really feel the need to say this just for the record, I am promising every single one of you who reads this:
I AM NOT QUITING !!! EVER !!!
(unless it's completely beyond my control in every way, like losing my voice permanently or something.... huhuhuhuh horrible)
I’m just making sure that you all know that I am still working hard (harder than ever) on my career, and even though I may not talk about things like studio work and expectations of mine, it doesn’t mean I’m giving up. (I'll probably mention them in the future… it all depends a bit I guess)
Either way, I know what's expected of me, and I will find a way to meet the expectations somehow.... although I don't know yet how I will do this exactly.
But I do feel that people who are loyal readers of this journal should be rewarded in some way. ;)
One of the things I dislike about being me is the fact that I'm unsure who to trust anymore in life, I'm scared to trust.
That's why these entries in this journal might have seemed to be a bit on the shallow side...
Although I have quite a normal life most of the time, there are things that I, as a singer/performer, would like to say here but am afraid to.
And once again I wonder why. I guess in life there are just those things that you don't have any control over. All you can really do is do your best to prevent being taken advantage of. The thing is that you always have to trust someone. The only question is WHO? I don't trust anyone anymore to the extent that I used to trust. I don't easily expose my soul, my dreams to people anymore. Why? Well, mostly because I’m afraid. What am I afraid of? If I show my dreams and expose my soul, won't that make me more fragile? Won’t that make it easier for people to hurt me? Won't they be taking advantage of that again?
It's really not easy... even at this very moment... with every word I type... I feel the fear of exposing myself too much. Even more so because I am telling you about it too.
I'll learn to trust again... I hope.
For those of you who read last night's post... I'm sorry for being late again.
My computer is such a mess and I'm still trying to get is cleaned up as we speak (…as I type actually, but anyway…)
The reason why I’m late is "the blue screen". You know what I’m talking about, and don’t try to deny it. (Even YOU Tom Lomino) ... dump files ... Grrrr!...
ALL my applications, without any exceptions at all, are crashing time after time. That is… IF they start at all. I'm not even talking about multi-tasking here ... No, no, no, no, no! THAT is not even an option! ! !
Actually, listen to this: Just now, the CD tray opened. This means one of my CD’s is done, right? So I walk up to the computer, just to check whether or not there were any errors during the writing process. I’m not taking anything for granted! (I just want to check everything, even though my CD writer is burn proof.)
I read about a certain error, which tells me about a filename being too long. This is a reason for me to validate the data. I insert the CD again. WHAM! There it is again…. “the blue screen”! ! ! Argh! Oh well… let’s look at the fun side of things… uhm…. Ok, skip that.
So right now, I’m just TRYING to write my data to CD’s and then I’m going to format my computer entirely, install everything again, and just start over… I hope that works out though.
Oh and just for your information, after the extra long startup procedure, I tried to get information about the info of the CD... Guess what??? The data is corrupted... How surprising... lol : / ... Here we go again.
*** I’ll keep you posted on the intriguing ways of my computers. ASAP. There was something else that I honestly wanted to tell you right here. Considering the colorful system failure, that will have to wait. I'll write more tomorrow.***
Tomorrow I will write another entry.
Sorry for posting such a silly entry, but I just want to make sure that I can't postpone my next post anymore.
Cuz I have plenty that I really want to post but I just don't get around to it...
Oh well, I should try to post more.
No, better said, I will try to post more
No >>> I WILL POST MORE !
Yeah! That sounds more like it.
Hope people actually read this otherwise I'm really going to be wasting my time soon...
There are a couple of things that I would like you to know if you want to send me an email at
I don't want your e-mail to disappear to my trash folder together with the spam, which I try to avert as much as possible. That's why I would like to ask you to PLEASE make sure that you have an original title: e-mails with an all too common or non-sense title (e.g. "hi" or "hello") are likely to be deleted, unless I'm in an adventurous, lucky mood. :)
Unfortunately, I don't always have the time to answer all mails, but I try to reply as many e-mails as possible.
Someone asking for a reply explicitly will always get one (IF they are unlikely to be spam mail, you know?)
I'm really starting to get seriously annoyed by the spam, but ... anyway, I won't bother you all with that any longer.
Has anyone received any spam lately???
This is just a glimps of what's in my hotmail account. There's no way of stopping it so we might as well laugh...
Keep Your Penis Erect up to 45 Minutes! `mars...
- Well this should solve my problem!
Guaranteed Herbal Formula Will ENLARGE Your.....
- Enlarge my what????
Lower Blood Pressure and Improve Cholest...
- Not sending me this spam would make me a lot healthier too though.
- I live in the city !!! .... A garden would be nice though... Maybe they know how i can have one inside the house!!! now that might be cool! lol
Free Teen De-virginization Clip..Only 7 minut...
- As if I wanna see this
Hypnotize Women into bed wi...
- Ooh That's exactly what i needed ... tell me how!! tell me how!! right, sure... **rolls eyes**
Become her DREAM LOVER
- Do I really want to be???
I'll love you more if you stop going bald ......
- Aww how sweet!
ADD 4 INCHES & BE THE MAN WOMEN WANT!!
- I think I need a bit more work than that to become the MAN women want !
And this is the best one yet !
You'll be sorry if you delete this email
- ... **pretends to think for a bit**... WANNA BET ?!?!
This is just a small part of the spam I've been getting ... ridiculous if you really consider the titles though... if you try to be serious and consider every sender an honest and serious person... you'll have a hard time to keep a straight face.
The last couple of days have been quite a drag to me. I've been looking for new car insurance… I can't get anywhere without my car. Only now I realize how much I rely on my car. I guess public transportation isn't as advanced out here in Belgium as it is in the USA. It's a lot less easy to get to any studio this way, plus I would have to see at what time I'd have to be out of the studio too.
Usually when I'm at the studio I don't watch the time… no need to because I'm the one driving home. But right now… ugh… I need to get car insurance.
You never know a good thing till you lose it.
I guess that's appropriate her too.
Oh and this is my car…
Just thought I'd include a picture of the type of car I drive … for those interested. Nothing fancy, but it's a cool car.
I have to go and make some phone calls now. Cross your fingers for me !!!